I was asked the question recently, “what is success for you?” I thought about it and was unsure of my answer. Initially my answer was ‘to know and worship God’ but history would suggest that this isn’t necessarily true. So I pried deeper into my soul to see what I truly valued and pursued. After a couple of days, I began to realize what I had qualified as success. In his kindness, God showed me that I defined success as being confident in myself. I would never have said this out loud or endorsed it, but the truth of my natural affections and actions showed that confidence was indeed my goal. My first 21 years of existence had been ravaged and guided by insecurity. So often I had hated being me and longed to be the confident guy, I longed to be anyone other than me. I had been using God, his good news in Jesus and his kingdom as a means of creating a Tyler that I could respect and admire. I was attempting to manipulate God.
You may be wondering how God practically uncovered the true answer for me. It occurred when I ate lunch with some men who were so passionate about the kingdom of Jesus advancing in the world. They wanted Jesus to be worshipped and people to be loved, joyful and healed from the sin that was killing them, no matter the cost. “What a great passion God had given them” I thought to myself, but there was a sinking in my stomach. Why was I not as passionate about God’s rule and love advancing in the world? What could be more important, more lasting and more worthy of my life? But my soul was not thrilled and that plagued me. It was then that the Spirit of God guided me into the truth that you already know. Success for me was a changed, glorious Tyler, not a changed, God honoring world. So it makes sense that at this point in my life where the good news of Jesus’ perfection and love had healed me from so much insecurity that my passion for the expansion of God’s kingdom would be flat. I had already accomplished my intent and who cared about them, I finally respected myself!
It felt as if I had been punched in the gut. I had been using God, who had loved me with an unyielding passion and loyalty through Jesus in the face of all my junk and rebellion against him. But what was God’s response to me in this moment? Frustration? Apathy? His response was his good news. His gospel that reveals I am more evil and deserving of eternal hell than I can fathom but that God’s love and mercy in the cross of Jesus is more than I can fathom. God revealed my selfish desires not to harm me but to discipline and teach me, so that I grow in my trust of his current affections and loyalty set on me. To rescue me from preoccupation with self. To strengthen me to work beside Him in changing the world through Jesus’ victory. He did it to better display his unmatched perfections!
I am still in the process of seeking out God’s answer to this question for me but I pose it to you. What is success for you? May God widen our eyes.
